Unlock Grief Insights: How to Cope with Loss

I remember a patient, Sarah, sitting in my office, tissues clutched in her hand. Her beloved dog, a companion of 15 years, had just passed. “It’s just a dog,” she whispered, almost apologetically, “but I feel… broken.” That feeling, that deep ache that comes with loss, is grief. It’s a universal human experience, but it’s also intensely personal. We often think of grief in connection to the death of a person we love, and that’s a huge part of it, absolutely. But it’s more than that. Grief can show up after any significant loss that shakes up our world or our sense of who we are.

It’s the loss of a job you poured your heart into. The end of a marriage, even if it was for the best. Maybe it’s a friendship that faded, or a dream you had to let go of. Or perhaps, like Sarah, it’s the loss of a cherished pet. It can even be grieving for your own life, your health, or experiences you’ll miss, especially when facing a serious illness. It’s all valid.

So, What Exactly is Grief?

At its heart, grief is our natural response to loss. It’s the emotional suffering we feel when something or someone we love is taken away. There’s no right or wrong way to do it, and it’s not a race to the finish line.

Those Famous “Stages of Grief”

You’ve probably heard of the five stages of grief, first talked about by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. She was a psychiatrist who worked with terminally ill patients, and she noticed common patterns in how they processed their own approaching death. These stages are:

• Denial: That feeling of “This can’t be happening.” It’s a shock absorber for the soul.
• Anger: You might feel angry at the situation, at others, at yourself, or even at the person you lost. It’s a very normal, though often uncomfortable, emotion.
• Bargaining: Thoughts like, “If only I had…” or trying to make deals with a higher power to change things.
• Depression: A period of deep sadness, withdrawal, and feeling the full weight of the loss. This isn’t necessarily clinical depression, but it’s a profound sorrow.
• Acceptance: This isn’t about being “okay” with the loss, but more about acknowledging its reality and learning to live with it.

Now, here’s the thing I always tell my patients: these aren’t steps on a ladder. You don’t have to go through them in order, and you might skip some entirely or revisit others. It’s more like a dance, sometimes messy, sometimes quiet. Think of them as common signposts, not a rigid map.

The Many Faces of Grief

Grief isn’t one-size-fits-all. It can show up in different ways, and sometimes we even have names for these variations:

• Anticipatory grief: This is when you start grieving before a loss happens. For example, if a loved one has a terminal illness, you might begin processing the loss during their illness. It can sometimes, but not always, make the actual loss a bit easier to bear because you’ve started the work.
• Abbreviated grief: Sometimes, the grieving process is shorter. This might happen if you’ve already done a lot of grieving (like with anticipatory grief) or if you quickly find a new normal. A short grieving period doesn’t mean you cared any less.
• Delayed grief: The feelings of loss might not hit you right away. You could be in shock, or busy with practicalities like funeral arrangements. Then, weeks or months later, the emotions surface.
• Inhibited grief: This is when someone doesn’t really show their grief outwardly, or even acknowledge it to themselves. Often, these suppressed emotions pop up as physical symptoms – tummy troubles, headaches, trouble sleeping.
• Cumulative grief: This is tough. It’s when you’re dealing with multiple losses at once, or one loss triggers feelings from a past one. It’s like carrying several heavy bags instead of just one.
• Collective grief: Sometimes, whole communities or societies grieve together – after a natural disaster, a public tragedy, or during a pandemic. We grieve shared losses and a changed sense of “normal.”

How Grief Can Feel: Mind, Body, and Spirit

Grief can truly rock your entire world. It’s not just in your head; it’s in your body too.

Emotional Rollercoaster

You might feel like emotions are crashing over you in waves. One moment you’re okay, the next you’re overwhelmed.

• Deep sadness or emptiness
• Anger or resentment
• Guilt or regret (“I should have…”)
• Anxiety or fear about the future
• Loneliness
• Even relief, sometimes, if a loved one was suffering. That can bring its own complicated feelings, right?
• Feeling numb or detached, like you’re on autopilot.

It’s okay to feel all of these things, even if they seem contradictory.

Physical Toll

Loss is a huge stressor, and your body feels it.

• Fatigue, feeling utterly drained
• Headaches
• Nausea or an upset stomach
• Changes in appetite – eating more or less
• Trouble sleeping (insomnia) or sleeping too much
• Achy muscles or joint pain
• A feeling of tightness in your chest or throat
• Heart palpitations

Changes in How You Act or Think

• Feeling confused or having “brain fog”
• Difficulty concentrating or making decisions
• Being preoccupied with the loss
• Withdrawing from others
• Restlessness or agitation

When Grief Gets Complicated

For most people, the intensity of grief softens over time. You learn to live with the loss, and it becomes a part of your story. But sometimes, grief can get stuck or feel overwhelmingly intense for a very long time. We call this complicated grief or prolonged grief disorder.

This isn’t just about feeling sad for a long time. It’s when the grief is so severe and persistent – often for more than a year for adults, or six months for children – that it really gets in the way of your daily life. You might:

• Feel like a part of you died with the loss.
• Have intense, persistent yearning for what you’ve lost.
• Struggle to accept the reality of the loss.
• Avoid reminders of the loss, or conversely, be unable to stop focusing on it.
• Feel emotionally numb, detached, or that life has no meaning.
• Find it hard to engage in ongoing life, trust others, or plan for the future.

Certain situations can make grief even more complex:

• Absent grief: Where someone shows almost no outward signs of grieving. This can be due to shock, or sometimes the person is processing internally in ways others don’t see.
• Ambiguous loss: This is grief without closure. Think of a missing person, or someone with severe dementia who is physically present but psychologically gone. It’s incredibly hard.
• Disenfranchised grief: This is when society doesn’t really acknowledge your loss as valid. Maybe it’s the loss of a pet (like Sarah), an ex-spouse, a job, or a loss due to suicide or overdose, where there can be stigma. It can feel very isolating.
• Traumatic grief: This happens when the loss itself was sudden, violent, or horrifying. You might be dealing with trauma (like PTSD) on top of the grief.

If you feel like your grief isn’t easing up, or it’s making it impossible to function, please, please reach out. Talking to a therapist or a grief counselor can make a world of difference.

How Long Will This Last?

That’s the million-dollar question, isn’t it? There’s no set timeline. Some experts say acute grief can last from six months to two years, with symptoms gradually improving. But honestly, grief isn’t something you just “get over.” The connection you had, the love you felt, that becomes woven into the fabric of who you are. The pain lessens, yes. You find a new way to live. But the absence remains.

The goal isn’t to forget, but to integrate the loss into your life in a way that allows you to move forward.

Taking Care of Yourself: Coping with Grief

This is a time to be extra kind to yourself. Here are some things that I find help my patients:

• Be gentle with yourself. There’s no “right” way to feel. Allow your emotions. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to be quiet, be quiet.
• Lean on your people. Talk to trusted friends, family, or spiritual advisors. You don’t have to go through this alone. Sometimes just having someone listen is a huge help.
• Try to stick to routines. Simple things like regular mealtimes and sleep schedules can provide a sense of stability when everything else feels chaotic.
• Take care of your body. Grief is exhausting. Try to eat nutritious food, get some gentle exercise if you can (even a short walk helps), and prioritize rest.
• Find ways to express your feelings. This could be journaling, art, music, or talking.
• Postpone big decisions if you can. When you’re in the fog of early grief, it’s often not the best time to make major life changes.
• Consider professional support. A therapist or grief counselor can provide a safe space and tools to navigate your grief. There’s no shame in asking for help; it’s a sign of strength.

Supporting Someone Else Who’s Grieving

It can be hard to know what to say or do. Often, just being there is the most important thing.

• Show up and listen. Let them talk, cry, be silent. Don’t feel you need to have all the answers.
• Offer practical help. “Let me know if you need anything” is nice, but specific offers are better: “Can I bring over dinner on Tuesday?” or “Want me to walk the dog for you this week?”
• Don’t try to rush them. Everyone grieves at their own pace. Avoid clichés like “They’re in a better place” or “Time heals all wounds.” While often well-intentioned, these can feel dismissive.
• Acknowledge their loss. Don’t be afraid to mention the name of the person who died, or talk about the loss if they seem open to it. Sharing memories can be comforting.

A Few Quick Clarifications

People sometimes get these terms mixed up, so here’s a simple breakdown:

• Grief vs. Grieving: Grief is the internal experience of loss – the thoughts and feelings. Grieving is the process of working through that grief, the outward expression and adaptation.
• Grief vs. Bereavement: Bereavement is specifically the period of grief and mourning after a death.
• Grief vs. Mourning: Mourning is the outward expression of grief. This includes rituals like funerals, wearing black, sharing stories, or creating memorials. It’s how we show our grief to the world and to each other.

Take-Home Message: Understanding Your Grief Journey

Navigating grief is one of life’s most challenging experiences. Remember these key things:

• Grief is a natural response to any significant loss, not just death.
• There’s no “right” way or timeline for grief; your journey is unique.
• The stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) are common experiences, not a rigid checklist.
• Grief affects you emotionally, physically, and behaviorally. Be aware of its impact.
• Complicated grief is when intense grief persists and significantly impairs daily life; professional help is crucial here.
• Self-care and support from others are vital. Don’t be afraid to reach out.

You’re not alone in this. So many of us walk this path, and while it’s painful, there is a way through. It takes time, patience, and a whole lot of self-compassion.

Warmly,

Your Family Doctor