Arjun and Meera are two of my patients, and I’d like to tell you their story. They were high school sweethearts, married young and believed love would see them through anything. Fast-forward a decade, and there they sat in my office, hardly talking to one another. Meera lamented that Arjun was disengaged from their family, and Arjun said Meera was too critical.
“What happened to us?” Fighting tears, Meera asked. It wasn’t that they didn’t love each other — they just didn’t know how to make their marriage work anymore.
As they opened up about their struggles, it struck me that their story was not unusual. Many couples run into challenges like these but lack the skills to work through them. Here are some anecdotal wisdoms, practical advice and even some heartwarming advice that will help you build a better marriage through real life scenarios.
Be Kind, Be Respectful, and Be Responsible
Three principles under the umbrella of care, respect and responsibility lead to a strong marriage. Consider these to be the building blocks of your relationship.
Caring
Caring is the cement that binds all. It is about small acts of love — like making your partner coffee in the morning or texting them during a long day.
Respect
Respect means hearing each other out, even when you disagree. The arguments of Arjun and Meera would invariably be disrespectful as they did not invest in understanding each other’s perspective.
Responsibility
Responsibility is taking ownership of your part in the relationship. That includes willingness to apologize when you’re wrong and to try to meet each other in the middle.
When I told Arjun and Meera this, they nodded. “We used to have all that,” Meera confessed. “But somewhere along the way, we lost sight of that.”
The General Reasons for Marital Difficulty (And How to Deal With Them)
(Hey, every relationship has ups and downs, but some challenges feel universal.) Let’s unpack them.
Selfishness
Selfishness encroaches on marriages slowly. One husband told me, “I work hard all day. Isn’t that enough?” But marriage is not only a matter of obligation — it is a partnership.
Practical Tip: “How can I improve your day?” Small gestures of kindness can help restore a sense of teamwork.
Financial Problems
Finances can be the death knell for even the strongest couple. When I used to work with a couple, they would fight monthly about the bills. Their solution? A monthly “money date” in which they spoke calmly and openly about their finances.
Real-Life Example: With their budget in mind, Meera began managing it with the help of Arjun, and this simple act of collaboration relieved so much of their tension.
Poor Communication
Communication is about more than just talking, it’s about listening, too. As Meera spoke, Arjun frequently cut her off because he believed he already knew her answer. Yet listening to understand, not to respond, is a game changer.
Practical Tip: Practice active listening. Reflect what your partner is saying and clarify before answering their emotional algorithm from your perspective.
Unrealistic Expectations
A lot of us, including me, fall for the fairy-tale version of marriage. But real life isn’t a movie. When Meera gave up the idea that Arjun would just know what she needed, she started telling him when she needed something, and it changed everything.
Real Life: Rather than stew silently, Meera told Arjun she needed more assistance managing the children. Arjun, happily relieved that there were clear instructions, stepped up.
Jealousy
Jealousy, unless dealt with, can sour the best of relationships. One patient assumed her husband was being unfaithful when he was just checking his e-mail, but her insecurity came from past wounds, not his normal husbandliness.
Practice Tip: Confront jealousy directly. Be open about your insecurities to your partner and overcome them together.
Famous Facts That All Marriages Should Know
Let’s take a moment to think about some important realities regarding relationships:
- We wind up marrying mirrored images of our parents. Most of our marital issues arise from unhealed childhood patterns. Understanding that can help to interrupt the cycle.
- Physical passion fades. As I remind my patients: “Chemistry makes you go but compatibility makes you stay.”
- Forgiveness is essential. Arjun admitted that it was difficult for him to forgive Meera when she snapped at him. As holding onto resentment only widened the chasm between them.
The Be Attitudes: Virtues of a Successful Marriage
I introduced Arjun and Meera to the concept of the “Be Attitudes,” and their faces lit up. Here’s what I told them:
- Transparency: Don’t sugarcoat what you say.
- Be Loyal: Have each other’s back in hard times.
- Be Affectionate: Always be affectionate.
- Be Patient: Realize it can take time to grow.
- Forgive other’s mistakes: Leave old matters behind.
- Be Caring: Be empathetic and do small acts of kindness.
- Be Fun to Live With: Remember to laugh together.
- Be Generous: Be open with your time and your attention.
- Be Craving: Lynn and I have known each other for years now.
- Act as a team, not as individuals: Be One
Rules of Thumb for Getting it Right
Know Yourself
I said to my husband, “What do you need to be happy in this relationship?” He stared blankly. Knowing yourself is the first step to knowing your partner.
Share Interests
They then rekindled their bond through hobbies that they had in common. They began gardening together, which became their “therapy.”
Continue Dating
Remember when you first started seeing each other how much effort you put into dates? Don’t stop. Get out, get dressed and remember why you fell in love.
Seek Help When Needed
When you start to feel overwhelmed, there’s no shame in seeing a counsellor or a doctor. I’ve watched countless couples repair their unions just by asking for help.
Do Unto Your Mate As You Would Have Your Mate Do Unto You
This one golden rule changes the game completely. Treat your partner as you wish to be treated.
Lessons Learned from Real-Life Experiences
Sarah and Raj: The Budget Meeting
Sarah and Raj fought about spending until they began holding monthly budget meetings. Not only did these meetings solve their financial issues, but they brought them closer together.
Anita & Ravi: The Return of Romance
Anita and Ravi began leaving love notes to one another after years of feeling neglected. And with this simple action, her connection reignited.
Bringing Home a Brick to Build Your Marriage
Marriage is not about big things but little steady things. Like Meera and Arjun, you can reconstruct your partnership, one small moment at a time: listening, laughing and loving.
So here’s my challenge: Choose one tip from this article and give it a go today. Or plan a date night — start small: Saying “I love you” or planning a date night. And every stone you place builds on your base.
And someday, like Meera and Arjun, you’ll look back and wonder how you built something beautiful.